just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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