frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
