two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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