Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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