tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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