She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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