i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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