i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
