Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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