dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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