Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
