TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
