She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
