Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
