I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
