I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
