Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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