She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
