help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
