Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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