it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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