I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
