Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
