Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
