I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize