If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
