So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
