ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
