Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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