im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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