I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
