So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
