your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
