someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
