I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
