you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
