living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
