so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
