i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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