Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
