I've blown a few things in my day
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
