Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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