After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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