I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We left the knife in your bed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
