I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
