it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
