If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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