I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize