if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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