i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do vagina's smell?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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