I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
In America we eat man semen.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
