it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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