life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize