Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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