Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
