Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
