Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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