have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize