drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
