Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I still have a little drunk in my system
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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