how can u be prego again
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
