Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
