Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
