Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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